I’m not one for carrying around a big glam handbag. I was getting there, but then I had Offspring and found that unfortunately you have to put them first, which means that Tupperware containers of marmite-flavoured rice cakes take precedence over things that I once considered essential, like an Evian Brumisateur (for those unfamiliar, this is essentially a spray-can full of water. I know.)
However, in order to Be Prepared, there are five products that every self-respecting handbag, changing bag or indeed desk drawer should contain. These will get you out of any possible emergency. Actually, they will get you out of no genuine emergencies whatsoever, they will merely help you look a bit better. Christ, I said I was shallow, didn’t I?
1. A spot zapper. If, like me, you thought that your reward for developing crow’s feet would mean the end of zits, then, like me, you have probably been disappointed. Come on, nature, give us a break. In the meantime, while nature listens to our request and ignores it accordingly, may I suggest the following for the unwelcome appearance of a plook? Spot-On by Liz Earle (£7.50), Eve Lom Dynaspot (£17.62) or Witch Stick (around £3 from chemists).
2. Following neatly on, you may also need a concealer. They sit in two camps. The first, to cover spots – you’d be hard pushed to beat Rimmel’s endearingly cheap Hide The Blemish (about £3), although Urban Decay’s 24/7 pencil (£8.50) is super-precise. The other kind is to hide dark circles and brighten a tired complexion. Who needs to be told about Touche Éclat? Then take your desk into the corridor and see me at the end of the class.
3. I love a bit of hand cream. People must know this as I always get loads at Christmas (unless they can’t think what to get me and just panic buy in Crabtree & Evelyn on Christmas Eve). It’s not strictly an emergency product, but having dry, tight hands feels ghastly, and if you slap a bit on every day you will see a difference in both your hands AND nails. My sister bought me Elizabeth Arden’s Eight Hour Hand Cream (£22.00) and all I can say is don’t get me started on how good this range is. I also like Clarins Jeunesse Des Mains (£16.15), which they often give out as a trial size with two purchases. Less costly is Nivea’s Q10 Age Defying Hand Cream and good old Neutrogena which wins every time on non-greasy texture.
4. Hair stuff. I know, I should be more specific but I only have a few lines and it really depends on your hair. I like a bit of Secret Agent by John Frieda Frizz-Ease (£4.69) but then I have issues. You might be able to get away with some Elnett and a small hairbrush. Lucky you.
5. Lip gloss. I don’t mean some kind of Victoria Beckham-esque slime that gets bits of hair, food, even litter stuck to it – and looks deeply unnatural into the bargain. What I’m talking about is something you can slick on with your finger, and that will instantly make you look made-up – and prettier – even if you don’t have ANY OTHER MAKE-UP ON. Unbelievable. There are almost too many to name, but I have tried – and liked – Lancome’s Juicy Tubes, Clinique’s Full Potential Lips and Stila’s Lip Glaze. Now bring your desk back into the classroom and apologise.
I hate to moan but you know what one of the downsides of this lovely weather is? Apart from the smell of other people’s feet on the bus, the rosé wine hangovers and the daily battle of keeping a hat and sunglasses on a toddler, that is. (Told you how I hate to moan.) Shininess. Oiliness. And then – spots.
