Product Placement

The toddler can be disturbed by many things of a night (hence my passion for coffee). Sometimes it’s his dreams, which reveal their subject matter when we hear him talking in his sleep though the monitor.The dreams sound pretty action-packed: lost zoo animals (“Where’s e-phant gone?”), the great outdoors (“Not touch bumber-bees”) and the confusion surrounding certain nursery rhyme characters (“Humpy Dumpy: Man? Egg?”).

The other thing that keeps the poor chap awake is itchiness. He’s got eczema, and although I am reassured it’s very common in the under-twos and will ‘resolve itself’, I can’t help being on a constant search for the mildest and least irritating bath products I can find for him. Continue reading…

I still haven’t got used to the fact that Mother’s Day might actually involve ME receiving anything. Surprising, really, considering I haven’t exactly held back when it comes to sharing the niggling pain (OK, agony) of childbirth, the unrelenting glamour-free state of being a new mum, and the perpetual drama of looking after a toddler. And doubly surprising when being a mother takes up every waking – and sleeping moment of my day. Oh and night. Even when I’m sitting at my desk, toddler safe in the hands of his carers, I find myself humming the theme tune to Chuggington. Or worse, exclaiming enthusiastically to the department “Oooh, what a NOISY car!” when one revs loudly in the street outside. Continue reading…

Stealing from children is great fun. Oh shut up, I don’t mean in a cruel way. No, I’m talking about products, of course. And also food. In fact, let’s talk about food first. If you’ve got young kids, you’ll know that what they eat these days is a vast improvement on the minced mutton and marmite type carry-on we were all forced to eat in the seventies. No wonder I’ll try (almost) anything – it’s called hope.

Anyway, nowadays (thanks mainly to children’s food guru Annabel Karmel, I reckon) babies are given all sorts of delicious nosh, if their parents can be bothered. And if they can’t – no problem, because they no longer have to endure little jars of shepherd’s pie. Oh no. When I was feeling lazy the other day, my nipper got a Chicken and Apricot Tagine. Which he hated, so I ate it. That incident is not strictly theft, as it would have gone in the bin. But even if he had liked it I would have tried a bit whilst pointing out an imaginary farm animal in the kitchen. Easy pickings. Continue reading…

Getting out of the door in the morning has never been that easy for me. Years ago, it was because the school I went to insisted we cart about, on a daily basis, an assortment of lacrosse sticks, straw boaters, gym kits and bibles. (I actually went to school in an Enid Blyton novel, as a couple of my readers will verify.)

In what I shall now refer to as The Interim Years, getting out of the house was made even more difficult by the fact that I often woke up in someone else’s. That sounds bad. OK, it was bad. But we were all young once. Which leads me nicely on to the here and now, where leaving in the morning has become a kind of bizarre performance art act involving such scenes as ‘Jewellery Is Eaten By Baby’, ‘Mother Has Poo on Her Face’ and ‘Why The Hell Didn’t I Iron This Last Night?’.

Continue reading…

If I had the money, I’d take a full-page advert out in the national press just to break the terrible code of silence that exists about childbirth. It would say, in enormous letters, “GIVING BIRTH REALLY REALLY HURTS”, and then underneath in smaller type, “Ask for lots of drugs, you’d be a moron not to”. The reason is that, in spite of considering myself a woman of the world, I was not in the least prepared for what I had to go through to hold my baby son in my arms. Early on in the process I sat, bobbing merrily about on a gym ball with a cup of tea in my hand, proclaiming “I’m in labour!” and I wondered why some of the midwifes shot each other glances. I now know that the glances meant “Poor cow, she doesn’t know what she’s in for”. What I was in for, as it happens, was a pain that has been likened to being repeatedly slammed in the abdomen with a fire extinguisher. For twenty-four sodding hours. Continue reading…

Does it count for anything that I could at least see the irony of coming up with Top Tips For Instant Glam as I pushed the buggy to Sainsbury’s, wearing a coat that looked like it had been recently recovered from a bin?

I do cling onto the fact though that, if need be, I could rise to the occasion, glam-wise. And that’s in spite of living a life that is increasingly encrusted in food and scented by vomit. (I’d really like to make it clear that this is referring to my baby, not my husband… but frankly, it’s a somewhat grey area.)

So, safe in the knowledge that I won’t be asked to prove this in the near future (please), here are my five tips for turning ‘Meh’ into ‘Yeah’:

1. We’ve been over this a few days ago, but the fact remains that pale is really not that interesting. Just to make it more complicated though, orange is interesting in a “look at that freak” sort of way. So try and find a happy medium and you will feel gorgeous, look slimmer, and just generally be glad you put up with the poultry aroma. I really rate Fake Bake’s Airbrush although it turned my shower curtain a weird pink colour and costs £26.95. Lovely natural colour though and the shower curtain went through the machine no problem.

2. Get a blow dry. Or get a friend to do it. Or, last resort, do it yourself and risk the discovery later, in the toilets of whatever fabulous establishment you are at, of a rear view that looks like Noel Edmonds. I’m afraid that, because of my issues, I can’t recommend a product that will suit everyone. Suffice to say I go for anything that has the words ‘unruly’ ‘distressed’ or ‘flatten’ in the name.

3. Focus your make-up on your eyes. I think it can change your look the most dramatically – and has the added bonus of lasting all evening, unlike lipstick, which I find a bit of a pain. Why not get an eyelash tint and eyebrow shape the day before? (Any nearer to the event and you risk a red eyeshadow look that’s flattering on nobody). Then it’s up to you, but what works on everyone is well-applied liner (try Max Factor Colour Perfection Eye Liner, £4.88, which a well-trained monkey could put on), a squeeze of the old eye-lash curlers, and some highlightery-pearly-ness on the upper brow bone.

4. Earrings. “They’re not a product!”, you cry. I know. But if you don’t normally wear them, EVERYONE will say you look different/great/pretty. Seriously, you’d have to be wearing your dressing gown for them not to. So get the surgical spirit out and force those blighters in (maybe the day before so your poor little lobes have time to calm down).

5. Now, if you associate fake nails with Jordan and other such style icons, please reconsider. My friend Annie was recently sporting what appeared to be a fantastic manicure. I sat in silent envy for a while and hid my scruffy talons up my sleeves until I had to blurt out “Are they REAL??”. Once we’d all established I meant her nails, she told me they’re called Broadway, you get them from Boots, and they’re only 6 or 7 quid. If I go out again this year and it’s not to Sainsbury’s, I’m going to go and get some.

Top tips, test-fests… you were very lucky anyway, but now you’re positively spoilt. The end of the week is now no longer significant for its post-work binge drinking session, because now you have Preferential Treatments. It’s a new weekly Product Placement feature with the sole aim of helping you find the best spa and salon treatments out there. Very good of me, I know.

I’ll be asking the same ten questions of all those lucky enough to both a) have time to go to the spa and b) be selected by my good self to tell the virtual world about it. To kick things off we have PP reader Ros (Oh, who am I kidding? She’s my sister. Thanks, sis) talking about her recent experience at a salon in Edinburgh. Continue reading…

Can slapping cream on an area of your body really make it slimmer? My limited scientific knowledge (GCSE Biology) isn’t enough for me to work it out, but I’m inclined to think probably not. What I believe a good body product can do though is improve the quality of your skin – making it more elastic and firmer, which will in turn make the ‘troublesome areas’ (as They like to call them) less – er – troublesome. In other words, you won’t look as much like a plate of turkey mince when you’re parading around in your undies.

Rather than test the ridiculous amount of anti-cellulite treatments that are out there (I’ll save that for nearer the summer holidays), I thought I’d talk this week about tummy toning products. It follows on nicely from my last post for new mums. Mind you, the need for a bit more firmness around the belly can strike at any time in your life. And at any time of year, although the post-winter period we’re in now is when we’re most likely to look down and see something that resembles a semi-perished beige balloon.

So, since Christmas, I have been trying to eat less – and ignore my hungry innards, which have taken to making noises like Frankie Howerd. I’ve also been giving the following miracle workers a few weeks each to both astound me and make my beige balloon look more like a real human abdomen. Not too much to ask, surely?

First up in those particularly tricky post-festive-season weeks was the priciest, Tummy Toner by Mamma Mio. In spite of the brand name, this serum is for ‘ageing and weight loss’ as well as post-pregnancy ‘issues’. And by heck is it worth the £44.00. It smells fabulous and my skin honestly did seem to tighten and firm. You can use it anywhere you like, too – thighs, upper arms… Which is why I ran out, and moved onto the thankfully less expensive (£15.00) Korres Avocado and Almond Butter body cream. I know I’ve mentioned Korres a couple of times but I think they’re rather super, this cream being no exception although maybe not as dramatically effective as the Mamma Mio serum. Well, it was thirty quid cheaper.

Cocoa Butter – you either love it or you hate it, and I have to say I think I might hate it, particularly after two weeks of slathering on the Body Shop’s classic range. It’s just too sweet and chocolatey for me, but you can get the whole kit (Creamy Body Wash, Body Scrub and Body Butter) for just £25.00, and it did make my skin pretty soft, including the ‘troublesome areas’.

Finally, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know that this week I was using a Therapy Massage Bar from Lush. I quite liked this, once I’d worked out what to do with it between uses (a soapdish is the only answer). It’s pretty easy to apply and seemed to smooth the perished balloon a bit, although that could just be the after-effects of the Mamma Mio stuff.

Frankly, I’d love to tell you that something marvellously cheap made my belly turn into Natalie Portman’s. But that would be weird. So instead, I’ll say this. Life’s too short to have a really flat stomach, so my (unsolicited, sorry) advice is just slap on what you can afford and go and make some pasta. That’s what I’m going to do. Ta-ra.

By popular demand, my mid-week post is for the benefit of any new mums out there. I was thinking of calling it How To Avoid Looking Like A Fat Sack Of Crap After You Have A Baby but I felt that might be focusing on the negative, and that’s not what we do here.

Realistically though, in my limited (as in, I’ve only had one) experience, you will need all the help you can get in the first few weeks. OK, months. So I’ve put together my Top Five Tips (I love a Top Tip, don’t you?) for making yourself look – and more importantly feel – a little better. There are no miracle workers here; if you want to look like Angelina Jolie you shouldn’t have got yourself knocked up in the first place. She can afford staff, remember?

1. Even if you’ve had about 40 minutes sleep, draw a line in the sand and call it a new day by having a shower using something invigorating like Korres Basil Lemon Showergel (£7.00), Elemis Sharp Shower (£17.00), or the classic citrussy Clarins Eau Dynamisante Shower Gel (£15.17). And wash your hair while you’re at it. It’ll wake you up as much as a coffee.

2. Kind people will give you bath products as well as things for your sprog. Don’t just think “Pah, as if I have time for such things”. Stick the nipper in a bouncy chair, get granny round, whatever it takes – it will make you feel better to have a soak in the tub – fact. Banish baby blues with Lush’s Happy Pill Bath Ballistic (www.lush.com). If nothing else it just looks funny.

3. It’s not too late to save your belly – and while it’s shrinking back into shape is a great time to help it along with lovely lotions. Next week’s post is all about tummy-toning products so I won’t give too much away here. But while I was in Lush I bought their Therapy Massage Bar which melts onto your tum and smells like it’s doing wonders. I’ll let you know.

4. Lack of sleep, hospital food, dehydration – none of these are going to give you the glowing complexion of a 22-year-old. Thankfully, some fabulous products can, albeit temporarily. Clarins Beauty Flash Balm (£24.47) is the best known, but Elemis has a great rival in its Fruit Active Rejuvenating Mask (£24.00). And a cheaper option is The Sanctuary’s Collagen Boosting Mask (£2.45 for a sachet). Now you can go to the shops without attracting pitying glances. Hoorah!

5. Blusher. Admittedly it will only make you look better but surely that’s half the battle? On parched, tired skin a creamy one works best and is dead easy to slap on. I say God bless MAC for their Blushcreme at £14.68 (‘Laid Back’ gives a good natural colour). And the bonus is that when all and sundry are traipsing into your house with babygros and casseroles, you can smile into their cameras knowing that you may look fat, but you don’t look like such a sack of crap after all.