Product Placement

I’ve had my fair share of zits over the years and always thought that I would be rewarded for their unwelcome presence by suddenly having flawless skin in my thirties. It doesn’t really work like that though. Mother Nature just gives you a whole different set of ‘issues’, consisting mainly of ageing stuff like crow’s feet and other such delights.

And you still get spots. Not as often, admittedly, but at the same inopportune times. In fact you can guarantee that if you don’t see a soul other than your toddler all weekend, you’ll have flawless skin. Plan a night out, and all of a sudden you have a kind of second puberty situation right there on your chin. Pah, I say. Continue reading…

I hate it when people moan about having colds. Especially the ones who proudly announce (usually from their desk, while eating a sandwich) that ‘it’s actually flu’. Unfortunately, I have in the last couple of days become one of these moaners. I haven’t told anyone it’s flu though. I may be shallow but I’m not a liar. No, I see myself more as a tragic figure much like Beth from Little Women. (Actually, did she not die? Maybe not Beth then…) I long to be found, pale and ghostly in a nightdress, wandering the house in search of my smelling salts, a fan and someone to loosen my bodice. Continue reading…

When the sleet started lashing against my face yesterday, I realised the difference between going for a walk before and after having kids. In my old life, I would have found the nearest café/pub/bus-stop and abandoned the whole excursion, secretly relieved at being able to blame it on the climate rather than my laziness. Continue reading…

Back in the days of yore (that’s an actual historical period you know), make-up wasn’t created in laboratories and tested on rodents/people. But I’m sure you know this from your History GCSE. In fact, women had to make do with what they could get their hands on, and believe me, it wasn’t great. Consider the poor old Elizabethan ladies. Not only were they forced to be attracted to men in codpieces, they were expected to have a flawless, alabaster complexion. Far from easy when The Pox was rife, and I don’t imagine those with sensitive tendencies had a hypoallergenic skincare range to fall back on either.

So, for the fortunate few, whiter-than-white skin was achieved by an early form of foundation called ‘ceruse’, which was a terrifying – and expensive – mixture of white lead and vinegar. I bet they were gagging for Ye Olde Clinique Shoppe to open in their neighbourhood. Because unsurprisingly, smearing lead on your face came with a few ‘issues’, like making your skin grey and shrivelled. Continue reading…

People expect me to know a LOT about make-up and skincare products. Which is surprising when I often look as though I’ve lost a fight with some Ready Brek, have hair like a homeless poodle and laughter lines that really aren’t that funny. Oh well. Just to live up to your expectations, I’ve done some research into mineral make-up, because, well, I actually find things like this interesting. And it also leads quite nicely into this week’s special featured item. Seamless. Continue reading…

Getting ready to go out: oh what fun it used to be. That bubbly bath with an even bubblier glass of bubbly (OK, Lambrusco. I was young. And poor)… The hours of outfit decisions (centring around a range of lycra-based items from Next, sadly)… Blow-drying my not-very-compliant hair until it was smooth as Kylie’s (for about 4 minutes before it curled back up again)…

These days it’s more likely to be a swift shower with my head poking out of the curtain to repeatedly shout “DON’T YOU DARE put that down the toilet”. To my toddler, not my husband. Usually.
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Oh how I miss those heady days of having a newborn. DVD Box Sets, endless cups of tea, sacks of Minstrels justified by breastfeeding. But then something very sinister happens to these little bundles of flailing limbs. They start to crawl. Which is frightening enough, but not as frightening as the latest development in my offspring. Yup. He can walk. Chaos is now two feet tall and shouts ‘POSTMAN PAT’ a lot. (Well, PA-MA-PA. Christ, he’s fifteen months, what d’you want from him, a thesis?)

No longer interested in actual toys, he runs around the house with arms outstretched like a zombie finding things to destroy. Usual my things. Actually, usually my nice things. Just this week he has rubbed Petit Filous into my White Company slippers, emptied my Jo Malone Bath Oil into his own bath, and horror of horrors, tipped the contents of my make-up bag into the bin. Continue reading…

Who’s done the walk of shame recently? If you know what I mean, you probably have. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), the walk of shame has come to mean something different for me: pushing the buggy to the supermarket without realising I have baby crap on my face/ lentils in my hair/ a non-specific stain the size of a dinner plate on my clothing. But the real meaning is of course the return home having been out all night. Shameful indeed.

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There’s a time and a place for minimalism, I think you’ll agree. For instance, when it comes to food, it’s really not OK. Don’t get me wrong: as someone still trying to shift that pregnancy poundage before the baby can actually tell me I have no shame, I certainly see the merit in smaller quantities. But a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and then some poxy bit of grilled chicken for dinner? I’m bored just writing it. This is the kind of minimalism that makes me want to grill my own hand.

The same with booze. Who came up with the whole “Just stick to the same drink all night and you’ll be fine” nonsense? Realistically, you’ll still feel like a crock of crap the next day so why not just experiment? Mmmm G&T… Yum a nice lager… Ooh I fancy a glass of Pinot… I’ll stop before we get to the messier, Sambucca end of the list.

You get my point. But one place where I am a big advocate of minimalism is on your face. Yes, yours. But I don’t mean you don’t need much make-up. Of course you do. And I don’t support the whole 90s ‘natural look’ concept of ‘No Make-Up Make-Up’. (Clear mascara and a tinted moisturiser? Who are you, Anne of Green Gables?) No, I’m talking about a bang up-to-date version of that. It’s natural, but better. And it’s all done by using just a few of the current high-performance make-up products out there, to give a slick, pretty – but not too try-hard – look. Excited? God, I am. Continue reading…

My first brush with the pain of unrequited love came when I realised that ‘All Creatures Great And Small’ was not in fact a fly-on-the-wall documentary. And that if I attempted to travel to Darrowby, I would find neither the place itself, nor would I find Tristan, the object of my pre-pubescent desires. I didn’t learn. Next came Adric, the pudgy-faced assistant of The Doctor (coincidentally played by the same, now clearly out of favour, Peter Davison). I was so devastated when the Cybermen picked him off that I had to miss Brownies.

And then came the real thing: Shakin’ Stevens. I didn’t even mind that he was Welsh. In fact I don’t think I even knew. What I did know was that the eyes staring out of the cover of ‘Oh Julie’ weren’t looking at Julie, they were looking at me. It was around this time that I would start to write lists of who I ‘loved’ the most – and for a while, Shaky was right there at number one. I was fickle though. He hadn’t come to rescue me from double maths and serenade me with “Green Door”. (A relief all round. I was eleven. There are laws in this country.) So I moved on, dusted myself down and replaced him with George Michael. (Gay? Who knew?)

In a similar – and possibly even sadder – guise, the lists have remained, but I now like to write down my most coveted products. A wish list, if you will. Not just really expensive stuff that I can’t afford, but things that I really fancy. So that if, by some incredible miracle, I happen to be wandering alone around Harvey Nicols with lots of money in my purse, I can simply pull out said list and get shopping. So today, instead of my usual mid-week Top Tips, I shall share with you my current Five Things I Really Want.

1. Laura Mercier Secret Finish (£24.47). I actually believe this will change my life, so I can’t imagine why I am still without it. It’s a kind of genius pat-it-on product that gives you instant radiance, and I think you can use it under or over make-up. I’m slightly baffled but also very excited.

2. Smashbox O Glow (£16). This sounds AMAZING and could possibly end my love affair with MAC blushers if I got my mitts on some. Apparently it’s a cross between make-up and skincare, because it contains “a unique goji berry C-complex” which gets your cheeks tingling and flushing naturally. All I can say is this: there are waiting lists and I may join one.

3. I’ve read, and obviously wholeheartedly believe, that a deep maroon mascara really makes green eyes like mine ‘pop’. (I actually hate that expression; it sounds like they would make a noise, which I really don’t want them to do.) However I do want them to look a bit livelier sometimes, so I’m rather liking the idea of YSL’s Mascara Volume Infini Curl (£21) in Burgundy.

4. Elemis Pro-Collagen Radiantly Smooth Body Cream (£85). This really does fit in to the ‘Yeah, right’ category, but what would a PP blog post be without a mention of the hallowed halls of Elemis? Seriously though, if I had £85 rattling about in my purse, I wouldn’t buy something to rub on my bum. Would you?

5. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned perfume before. I’m not a huge fan, but I do like some really fresh scents, Amazing Grace by Philosophy being the main contender. They have an Exfoliating Buffing Wash (£21) that I’ve been coveting for some time now; I think it sounds so clean and yummy. A far cry from the Impulse ‘Jeunesse’ I thought would woo Mr S Stevens, back in the day…