rat1For some people, the phrase ‘brushing it under the carpet’ is just that, a phrase. For me, however, it is a grim reality, due to the fact that I not only loathe housework, I am absolutely useless at it and have a husband who wouldn’t notice if we were living knee-deep in excrement.

Any short cuts available are used on a regular basis. Visitors are conned into believing I run a tight ship by not being allowed into any more than one room (which I have hastily sprayed with Pledge minutes before their arrival, creating the illusion that I am at least familiar with cleaning products). To give you an idea of the level of my ineptitude, here are three scenarios, all but one of which are true: you have to guess which (a quiz – what larks!). a) I once found three foil-wrapped loaves of garlic bread in a cupboard (placed there before a party as ‘fridge overspill’, which explains it a little). They had been there, I calculated, for around TWO YEARS. Yes, years. b) On another occasion, I found a ball of dust behind the living room door of such proportions that my stepdaughter thought it was a long-lost soft toy. c) I once moved a sofa to reveal a squashed mouse that had taken on the form of one of those tiger rugs with the head still on. Answers on a postcard, please.

Anyway, averse as I might be to cleaning my house, when it comes to my face you won’t be surprised to learn that I love it. So this week’s unsolicited advice comes in the form of my Top Tips For A Really Deep Clean:

1. Try some Biore Ultra Deep Cleansing Pore Strips (£7.99 for six) – both beneficial and rather entertaining. Trim them so that not too much goes on your delicate cheek area. Wet your nose, apply, then wait… and a few minutes later you will have, when held up to the light, a mini mountain range of what can only be described as gunk. Or more technically, sebum. It’s more entertaining than TV.

2. A cleansing oil may sound like a contradiction but an oil can actually dislodge (and I love that word) make-up and grime like nobody’s business. I am currently road-testing Shu Uemura’s Skin Purifier High Performance Balancing Cleansing Oil (around £25 for 150ml, available at Space NK). Long name, lovely job and really clean-feeling skin.

3. I love a good mask. Clay has been used for years to extract nasties and tighten pores and the right formulation shouldn’t make your skin feel uncomfortable afterwards. Guess what? I like Elemis Herbal Lavender Repair Mask (£24.00) but in the spirit of experimentation I have also tried Multi-Mineral Pore Minimising Detox Mask, £17.25 from Ren, which is (almost) as good.

4. Scrubs are a great way to get into all the nooks and crannies – if you buy one that isn’t too abrasive and aren’t tempted to over-use them. I’m currently working my way through Simple’s Smoothing Cleansing Scrub (only a few quid from Boots). I think it’s an area of skincare where you’d be daft to spend loads.

5. Steaming your face used to remind me of having a bad cold but it can be a fantastic way to loosen blackheads before a mask. Yum. Anyway, why not spa up (is there such a verb?) the whole process by using a product that’s actually designed for it? Does such a thing exist, I hear (both of) you cry? Yes – Dr Hauschka’s Facial Steam Bath (£22.98). The Doctor must be a very, very clever man. Maybe he’ll come round and help me with my housework.

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