Product Placement

Who do you actually do? That’s a question I hear quite regularly about my other, undisclosed, day job. (You’d think that writing Product Placement would fulfil me, but no, I feel the need to do other things. Like make money.) In this day and age, it’s no longer possible to just be a Bricklayer or a Sales Manager. There is a ‘trend’ (don’t you just love a trend?) to make jobs sound more inspiring. Whether or not a painter and decorator’s self-esteem would soar once he became known as a Colour Distribution Technician is questionable. And would a barman feel extra-motivated once he could describe himself as a ‘Beverage Dissemination Officer’? Doubtful.

Anyway, if you’re not happy with your job title, you can change it to something gloriously vague and meaningless, and then bamboozle your elderly relatives into thinking what you do is much more important than it really is. It’s simple. You just need three words. The first is something like ‘senior’, ‘lead’ or ‘chief’. The middle word is a noun like ‘solutions’ or ‘communications’. Then at the end, throw in a ‘consultant’, ‘specialist’ or ‘associate’. Bob’s your uncle. Or maybe he’s your Principal Relative Representative. Up to you.

When it comes to the world of products, I have to say that a job title means a lot to me. I’m no longer content with a plain old cleanser, toner or moisturiser. Oh no. I want things that sound like they have magical, youth-giving powers, like elixirs and tinctures. And what I’m loving most at the moment is a serum. No longer just for hair, serums have become an essential part of a diligent beauty routine. Used under a moisturiser, they have just the right consistency to deliver active ingredients, and then be ‘sealed in’ to do their magic without giving the greasy feel you might expect. If you’ve not tried one, then I suggest you pull your finger out and get one of these on the bathroom shelf.

No7’s now cult Protect and Perfect Intense Beauty Serum (19.75) caused a right old furore when it came out. A TV programme said it was the best of a not very impressive bunch and suddenly there were handbags at dawn in branches of Boots. I didn’t join in. But my guinea-pig/mother (by that I mean she tested it for me, not that I was raised by a family of rodents) was very impressed. She liked the light, runny texture, the lack of scent and said she saw ‘pretty good’ results.

Next is Liz Earle. I love her. I only wish she’d return my calls. ALL her stuff smells lovely and it’s just not that expensive. Her contribution to this is Smoothing Line Serum (£12.50 for 10ml), which also uses an antioxidant grapeseed extract along with soothing echinacea for ‘softer, smoother skin’. Not gobsmacking but very pleasant. A bit more pricey is Caudalie, a French brand I haven’t mentioned much before that make products ‘inspired by the vine’, i.e. using grapes and the vine plant. They’ve got a pretty good philosophy about natural ingredients and respect for the environment too. Anyway, their Firming Serum (£42.00) is a cracker, and really does give a plumped-up effect (previously seen on me in 1992).

Last up is another ‘cult’ product, although this one has been around a lot longer than anything Boots have come up with. From Estee Lauder, it’s probably the ‘original serum’ and I always liked the look of it, with its slightly pharmaceutical-looking dropper. Well, the good news is that they’ve updated the formula and the new Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Recovery Complex (£36) is a ‘comprehensive, high-performance anti-ageing serum – inspired by groundbreaking DNA research – brings your skin a dramatic reduction in the appearance of visible signs of ageing’. Excited? I nearly slapped it on at the bus stop. And it is lovely. A gorgeous, slightly herbal smell, a lovely light texture – and a face in the morning that made me look like I’d had 10 hours sleep instead of 5. All the better to face the day as a Global Optimisation Director.